This may look like a small nick to many, but this was my finger and it hurt. Imagine if I’d been a small animal, living in Maidenhead and baking cakes for a living. This could have been fatal.

Not normally my cup of tea, this, as I’m in no position to comment. The Queen Mother is, though, so I’ll let her expression do the talking.

I know he was a good snooker player, but I’m not paying to see them.

After the tragic news of the shark attack in the sea off San Diego, I thought it would be an idea to put up a Public Information Post for the benefit of all.

Deadly sharks come in two varieties. The constrictors, which literally suck the life out of their prey, and the poisonous sharks, which inject lethal venom into their prey, which literally melts their insides (the prey’s, that is, not the shark’s, as that would be self defeating).

 A mouse being constricted by a shark.

A poisonous shark, having hidden behind a glen, delivers a fatal payload to a large, pouting deer.

A shark has a nap in a field after swallowing an Airbus A380 whole, leading to the loss of all on board. The evacuation took some weeks.

People often wonder how sharks can eat such huge prey. It’s because they can dislocate their shoulders, much like Johnny Wilkinson, before enjoying a pleasant lunch. They would normally swallow their prey head first, so the picture above may appear slightly contradictory. However, planes don’t have heads. That’s just a figment of childish illustrators’ imaginations.

Sharks as pets. I would have included a picture of a shark charmer in action, but it’s time for dinner.

I was shopping in Waitrose on Saturday with my wife. As I prepared the selected goods for scanning, the check out girl smiled at me and said “Hello. How are you?” Now I’m no fool and I can see a come on when it happens, so I waved my left hand at her face so that she could see my wedding ring and said “You may be very attractive indeed, young lady, but I’m married, so there’ll be none of that!”

I was expecting my wife to be happy with my display of loyalty and faithfulness but, instead, she cried. Weird. 

At Sainsburys today, while queuing at the basket only section, on impulse I picked up two small bunches of flowers to buy as a present for my wife. As I put them in my basket, the man behind said, quite loudly, “Fucking poof.” I turned round, waved my left hand in his face, so he could see my wedding ring, and said clearly “They are a present for my wife. Who have you got to buy flowers for, muppet?” at which point he started crying. Weird.

He’s Oswald Mosley’s son. Go on Max! Sue me as well!

This is a Rooster potato. It was bought at Sainsburys in Taplow so, therefore, is allowed into all categories. I think it’s unlikely to be a winner in any category that actually includes eating. However, whilst in many ways a very ugly potato, it is, bizarrely, quite photogenic, so it’s the first entry in the Photegenic section.

Latest entry is the Maris Piper which comes in as a clean, effective chipper also good for roasting. So, it goes in the Best Chipper category. Things are really hotting up in the Taplow 2008 Potato Awards!

Nominated in the specialist section, this Charlotte potato is great in a salad. A potato salad. It needs a little steaming or boiling. It’s waxy. Which is different to Irish potatoes which are floury.