Twitter is down. No News is Bad News.

Twitter has gone down or some part of it has or something. A disaster. Nothing as bad as this has happened before. In true Olympian spirit, please feel free to tweet here instead, and when it comes back I’ll copy and paste all the tweets and, eeerm, tweet them.

London 2012. THE Games for THE People for TWO Weeks or so.

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The London Olympics 2012. THE Games for THE People for about TWO weeks.

Yes. Yes. And Yes again! England have won the Olympics 1 – 0 against the girls of New Zealand.

For more news of the Olympics 2012 bookmark this page. Home of the 2012 Olympics.

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My wife’s brief fling with Donovan

My wife had a brief fling with world famous cabaret performer Donovan at Cork Airport today. He’s world famous for being the man that failed to slap a world wide patent on calling pop stars by just their Christian name. Anyway, my wife smiled at him, thinking she knew him and he stared right through her. Like some sort of shiny Superpowered non entity. SunshineSuperNonent. Come on Donovan! Smile when people are nice to you! Give it a go! (Unless you’ve got toothache, in which case you can be as horrible as you like, excluding hate crime, racism, sexism and genocide, and other things of that ilk.)

Or, is my wife telling the truth? Should I force her onto the Jeremy Kyle Show for a lie detector test?

Kyle. (to my wife) “When asked did you have sexual relations with Donovan? you replied no.”
Kyle. (to me) “Well, well, well.”
Kyle. (to my wife) “You passed.”
Kyle. (to me) “Well go on then. Apologise! I’d be down on my hands and knees if I were you! Grow a pair, put a hat on it and Shut Up! It says the JEREMY Kyle show and stop calling me Jerry!”
Me. (to Jerry) “I was just asking if she’d actually bumped into Donovan at the airport. You’re the one that brought sexual relations into it.”
Kyle. (to my wife) “Okay, then. When asked did you bump into Donovan? you replied yes.”
Kyle. (to me) “Well, well, well.”
Kyle. (to my wife) “You passed.”
Kyle. (to me) “Well go on then. Apologise! I’d be down on my hands and knees if I were you! Grow a pair, put a hat on it and Shut Up! It says the JEREMY Kyle show and stop calling me Jerry!”
Me. (to my wife and Jerry) “I’m sorry. Actually, I wanted a word with Graham. My wife won’t let me have a beard. I just wondered how he got away with it.”

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Pie versus Pecker?

Both. A delicious Pork Pie, which is approximately two feet in diameter and is going to be my dinner for the next 4 weeks.

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Pie v Pecker. Comparison Sheet 1.

According to Wikipedia, “Camouflage is a method of crypsis (hiding).” It is immensely important for birds to hide before a fight. Some birds, such as the House Martin, hide in chimneys before launching surprise attacks on any passing goldfinches. Others, such as the Sparrowhawk, attain a geostationary orbit some 15 miles into space before catching Woodpigeons at very close to the speed of light. Both of these things are a form of hiding. However, the Magpie and the Woodpecker, neither of ’em, use these strategies. They both use camouflage. Let’s look at the Woodpecker first.
The Woodpecker’s camouflage strategy.
The woodpecker uses the classic First World War “dazzle” pattern, used by battleships.
The Magpie’s camouflage strategy.
The magpie uses the newer “Woodland” camouflage used by the German army.

The pecker’s strategy is entirely based on confusing the pie. The Magpie is supposed to think there is a World War 1 battleship in the back garden. The Magpie’s strategy is to blend into the background, thus rendering itself invisible to the Woodpecker.

Woodpecker strategy.

For : Initially confusing for a Magpie, as the sight of a World War 1 battleship would surprise far more intelligent creatures, such as me.
Against : The Magpie, thinking the Woodpecker is a battleship, would probably sit on it and have a dump.

Magpie strategy :

For : The camouflage makes the Magpie look like some sort of Magpie shaped soldier.
Against : There aren’t any Magpie shaped soldiers, so it wouldn’t really work. Plus, if the Magpie had spent a bit more time camouflaging itself it could have included some of the orange bits.


Neither bird gains any advantage from their camouflage strategies. In fact, both strategies are next to useless.

First Round, 1 point each.

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Pie or Pecker?

A recent discussion turned into a debate over who would win in a scrap. The Magpie or the Woodpecker. Specifically the Great Spotted Woodpecker. Harry Hill has done this before, but only with silly people in even sillier outfits. No. Over the coming months this blog will be host to the “Who would win? Pie or Pecker?” This is to be an adult and detailed analysis of how hard each bird is and how their relative strengths and weaknesses could be used to advantage.

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New Title

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. A fabulous title for a fabulous couple. Here is the car they should have gone to their wedding in.

I have to love the colour scheme.

The tarts are in the oven.

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They’ve Just Kissed!

Each other! The kiss was marvelous. No tongues, just a simple, plain indication of their love for each other. Their marriage is now consumated, or consomme as they say in France.

And now, live on BBC1, Kate Middleton is about to present the news about her marriage.

The filling has now been cooked.

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They are now married!

Hurrah for Kate, Hurrah for William and Hurrah for the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland as well as the Commonwealth and various protectorates. We all await eagerly the official balcony kiss which may look something like this.

The pastry cases are in the oven and are being blind baked for another 6 minutes. I’m going to make a start on the filling shortly.

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Almost There!

They’re almost married now! Everything went to plan, just the registry signing and stuff to go, plus the mile long walk back out of the church. The bishops seemed to go on a bit, but I suppose they don’t get to an awful lot of weddings involving a Prince and a newsreader.

The pastry discs have been cut and are in the fridge.

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